Candidate Story!

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Kitsuneko
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Candidate Story!

Post by Kitsuneko »

Okay, this is the first part of a story for a future candidate...For one, I'm just so danged proud of it, and for another, I'd like to get any constructive criticisms as well.
If anyone thinks they have the /perfect/ clutch for him to stand at, suggestions are welcome, as I haven't decided what to do with him yet. He's pretty neutral and could go with a good or evil dragon, but I think an undead dragon would be particularly fitting. :)
He most probably won't finished for a LONG time yet, though...
I think I should put up the other version of this from Alazne's point of view as well. It's actually got more info on this character's past than his own does. XP

(His given name is Abrecan, by the way... XP)





There are certain things one should and should not do when one is a well-known necromancer at a society ball hosted by one's king. And, necromancer or no, dressing in many layers of black with cloaks and face veils is something one should not do when one wishes to avoid drawing attention to oneself. Aside from the stares, the heavy robes and many layers of clothing can cause one to overheat.
The stares and whispers follow in his wake, but he ignores them. He is far too used to the harsh rumors and lies people people exchange behind his back, and he knows they would only get worse if he dared to show his face.
The fine clothes hang heavily on his thin frame, and the other guests give him a wide berth as he makes his way around the corner of the ballroom. He'd like to stay hidden and unnoticed, but that is, of course, impossible. After all, he is the Midnight Lord, the scion of the Shaul family, and the infamous necromancer. He grinds his heel into the floor sourly.
He lifts his head as he notices someone approach, and behind the veil upon his face, he blinks in surprise. Marlia-Neura's king approaches him, of all people. He starts to clear his face of emotion-but then realizes that it doesn't matter underneath his hood and clothes. The entire point was that no one would have to look at his face. Instead, he schools his voice into a bored droll befitting his reputation. "My liege?"
The king forces an obviously fake smile on his face which he politely ignores. "Lord Shaul, what a surpise to see you." Not really, he was invited after all. But then, he rarely came to public outings, unless he was all but forced to, so perhaps it was a surprise.
He answers politely and noncommittally. "Something compelled me to leave my castle and come here tonight, sire." Boredom, for the most part, though he doesn't say such things aloud. Liches are usually braindead and don't make good conversation companions.
The king smiles inanely. "I understand you've had many visits lately. From...old friends, perhaps?"
He stares blankly, unsure what the king is talking about now. "Y-Yes." He says at last. May as well act as though he has a clue what's going on. Bands of rebels, most of them workers of dark magic or other such unsavory professions have come by his castle lately, begging for shelter, aid, and occasionally, alliances. Could they be who the King is referring to?
The King quickly begins to loose interest in him. He cannot say he is not glad.
The old man's eyes move to a couple on the dance floor, and he smiles again, this time wider and truer than any he had ever received. Bored, he follows the old man's gaze. A young woman with red-gold hair dances with an older man. He can easily see that the woman-more of a girl, really, robably not yet even twenty-looks thoroughly disgusted with her talkactive partner. It is obvious, to him at least, that she is not happy being there. The song ends, and she breaks away.
He stands silently, unobserved for now, as she strides over to the king, who greets her warmly.
"Alazne, dearest, you are enjoying yourself, I hope?" The old king asks, taking her hands in his.
He can see the princess's smile is strained, and he interjects sarcastically, "I'm sure the lady is having a wonderful time." The sarcasm seems to have gone over the heads of his companions-just as well, he muses.
The princess turns at the sound of his voice, and for the first time, he gets a good look at her. The fact that she is staring at him, for once, does not bother him in the slightest. Her tall and slender body is covered in an extravagant green gown that does full justice to her deep brown eyes and the tightly coiled curls of red-gold hair which hang around her face and neck. For a moment, he is too captivated by her beauty to notice anything else. Such as the fact that she is staring at him with a mixture of fear and morbid curiosity.
The king's voice cuts through the loaded silence and breaks the mood. "Ah-yes-Alazne. This is the Duke of the Midnight Isles, Lord Shaul. Lord Midnight, my youngest daughter, Alazne."
The king is clearly discomforted, but Lord Shaul ignored it, and instead chooses to move his veil aside for a moment to take her hand and kiss it. "I am enchanted, Lady Alazne." And he is, but he sees the discreet motion as she wipes her hand against her gown, as though to rid herself of his touch, and his eyes narrow to slits, though he gives no other outward sign.
He bids them good day curtly, striding away as the crowd instictively moves apart around him. Of course, what else was he to expect? He was the infamous Necromancer, and inspired fear in everyone who saw him. That fact had never bothered him before.
Darkling Dawn: Fauna Frenzy Open to candidates; flights open to males/females; rukel eggs/breedings available.
Drockh-Tallahn Castle: 3 eggs, 2 available. Females and males needed.
Sgiath Wolfkeep: 7 pups available
Sedona Weyr: 12 eggs, Deadline March 8. Chasers and a female needed.
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StarFyre
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Post by StarFyre »

^^ I like it - I'm not really very good at giving constructive criticism, though. There's only one spelling mistake I noticed in this ("more of a girl, really, robably not yet even twenty").

Otherwise, I'd just say to watch the verb tenses as you write more, I'm not sure if writing in present tense is what you're used to, but whenever I try it, I find myself flipping between present and past at odd intervals.

As for a place to put him... well, there is one clutch (at least.. some themes may be reused if I run out of ideas) with the Death theme applied to them in the WDH Frenzy. *shameless plugging*
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Dray
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Post by Dray »

The only thing that I can suggest is to give it a quick re-read, and to poke some of the tense-ly contradictions into place. O_o

"The king forces an obviously fake smile on his face which he politely ignores. "Lord Shaul, what a surpise to see you." Not really, he was invited after all. But then, he rarely came to public outings, unless he was all but forced to, so perhaps it was a surprise. "

A blurb, for example. It just reads a little weird. Otherwise, it makes me cackle. X3 Very cool, I like your descriptive writing! :3
Kitsuneko
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Post by Kitsuneko »

Thanks, I like his cynical sense of humor. :)

I admit I didn't give the last part of it a good reread, as I just finished writing it earlier today, so there's probably more errors than normal.

And I'm really not all that used to writing in present tense, but I wanted to do something different. I'll try changing some of the tenses around, but that blurb, at least, made sense to me. Ah well, that's the kind of stuff that I wanted to get criticisms on.
Darkling Dawn: Fauna Frenzy Open to candidates; flights open to males/females; rukel eggs/breedings available.
Drockh-Tallahn Castle: 3 eggs, 2 available. Females and males needed.
Sgiath Wolfkeep: 7 pups available
Sedona Weyr: 12 eggs, Deadline March 8. Chasers and a female needed.
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Shard
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Post by Shard »

^^ what they've said, yes. :)

But also, good work! I like the guy, powerful but 'social underdog'. :)
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Kitsuneko
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Post by Kitsuneko »

Here's the other part, from the girl's Point of View. She'll be a candidate too, but for a different clutch than him.
Again, any comments or constructive criticism you could give me would be helpful. :)




She stands with her sisters, the heart of the ball, but she is disenchanted. The dances are stiff and formal, the men either ancient, lecherous, or just plain dull, while the women flock together, gossipy, flighty, and altogether brainless.
She sighs. Where is the glamour, the romance? Where are the beautifully-dressed ladies, dancing with their handsome beaus? Where are the dashing, merry-eyed strangers come to sweep her off her feet? But no mysterious figure appears, asking for a dance and promising excitement. Only another dull old man forty years her senior watching her with a predatory look in his eyes.
She breaks away as soon as the song ends, politely as possible, only to be snatched up again by another eligible and unsavory bachelor. She stifles her frustration as he chatters on about nothing, while she tries to feign interest as they stumble along to quiet background music.
From the corner of her eye, she sees her father the king, standing and watching her. He looks pleased, and that is the only thing that mollifies her.
The song ends and she disengages. Glancing around, she sees her father again, standing with another figure, and she goes to him. "Alazne, dearest, you are enjoying yourself, I hope?" he asks, taking her smooth hands in his older, stronger ones as he smiles.
She tries to smile back, but she is not sure whether she succeeds. "I'm sure the lady is having a wonderful time." A low voice interjects smoothly.
She turns, surprised, to the speaker. His voice is dry, but she suspects he's not as old as her father. She stands face to face with him now, and she can't help but stare.
The stranger is covered completely from head to toe. His robes are make of fine black silk, but the dark cloak thrown over them appears rough and course. His head is hidden underneath the cowl of his hood, and though she tries to glimpse his face, he wears a dark face covering underneath that as well. It is as though he cannot stand to have his face touched by light, and despite the pleasant temperature, she feels a shiver go down her spine.
Her father interrupts, speaking cheerfully, but she plainly sees his face is ruddy-colored, ears tinged with embarassment, and wonders that the man doesn't notice her father's discomfort as well.
"Ah-yes-Alazne. This is the Duke of the Midnight Isles, Lord Shaul. Lord Midnight, my youngest daughter, Alazne." She clearly hears the tenseness in his voice and puzzles why he seems so uncomfortable in this man's presence.
She feels somehow that Lord Shaul is studying her intently from behind his veil, and after a long, uncomfortable silence, he says softly, "I am enchanted, Lady Alazne." He takes her hand, and as he bends to kiss it, she at last sees a glimpse of his mouth and lips. She shudders, and as she draws back her hand she surreptitiously presses it against her dress, as if to wipe away the feel of it. She understands now why her father fidgets when he speaks to this Midnight Lord.
If Lord Shaul notices her discrete action, he gives no outward sign of it. Shortly, he bids them good day and strides away, his clothes billowing behind him as the other guests give him a wide berth.
Once he is gone, she turns to her father questioningly. He wipes his brow as he answers. "The Shaul family have ruled the Midnight Isles for centuries. It's best to just leave them to themselves as much as possible and don't make trouble."
"But why?" She questions him, at once exceedingly curious and deeply disturbed.
Her father's eyes dart back and forth as he replies in little more than a whisper. "Necromancers, the lot of them. I've heard rumors that the current Midnight Lord is the most powerful yet in his family-and the most unpredictable."
She nods, beginning at last to understand. Those who raise the dead are never to be taken lightly.
"You saw the scars?" Her father asks in a hoarse whisper, leaning his head towards her. She nods, and shivers delicately as she remembers the feel of his lips on her hand.
"I heard rumors...I don't know why, but-it seems his eyes and mouth were sewn shut at one time."
She swallows the sudden bile rising in her throat, her face wan and pale, and her father looks furious with himself for upsetting her. She smiles reassuringly at him, despite herself. "I'm fine. I-I think I need some fresh air." she says, almost running to the door and into the night.
"Be careful!" Her father responds behind her, but she doesn't quite acknowledge it.
Darkling Dawn: Fauna Frenzy Open to candidates; flights open to males/females; rukel eggs/breedings available.
Drockh-Tallahn Castle: 3 eggs, 2 available. Females and males needed.
Sgiath Wolfkeep: 7 pups available
Sedona Weyr: 12 eggs, Deadline March 8. Chasers and a female needed.
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Shard
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Post by Shard »

Eeeewww! :) Nice!
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