Not really a debate, or a discussion....but I figured it didn't really belong in discussion, and I really have to get this off my chest. And oh yeah, it's not PonyIsland appropriate... <.<
I am absolutely furious right now, and I swear it takes a lot to get me this mad. I'm so angry that I'm completely calm on the outside, and that's just a little bit dangerous. No, wait, a lot.
Last night I found out that my best friend has been being abused by her stepfather for the past three years.
And I didn't know.
She's been different, more gothy, less happy--but I figured it was since she's a mid-teen and into vampire novels and stuff. I didn't KNOW she'd tried to kill herself by ODing on Aspirin and Ibuprofin (really, is that even possible? but she tried). I didn't know she'd been cutting, though I thought she might have tried it.............................
and I'm so mad at myself for not seeing it, for not being able to do anything. I'm normally really good at seeing what's going on--I knew a friend who I hadn't seen in a year had gotten herself pregnant before she got up the courage to tell me, and seriously, I had no way to know, I just did. I should have KNOWN, I should have at least tried to talk to her, but i just assumed she was doing her usual wanna-be thing
IDIOT.
So now that I know, I'm doing what I can to be supportive. I've already told her what everyone has been saying, and what I think she needs to hear the most: that it was never, EVER her fault. And I've told her how proud I am of her and how strong she is for finally TELLING someone, without mentioning how mad I am that she waited so long. I've dug up a couple of Mercedes Lackey books she hasn't read yet, and burned a pair of CDs, one with my favorite anime music plus songs from Titan AE, and the other with some O'Carolan MP3s I found online to go along with one of the books. I've...
And I'm still so mad.
She's fifteen, for the love of all that's pink and fluffy! HOW could some random sicko, much less her own ADOPTED FATHER (because I'm pretty d--- sure that when he married her mom he adopted the kids, legally or not it is still the same) DO THAT? Does he realize how messed up she is, or does the bastard not even CARE? she can't stand to be around boys at all, even her FRIENDS, even a guy from church who she's had a crush on for who knows how long. She JUMPS when ANYONE gets too close.
I WANT TO RIP OFF CERTAIN PORTIONS OF THE BASTARD'S ANATOMY AND FEED THEM TO HIM.
I know I can't though, and I know I shouldn't. I'm very protective of my friends, especially her, and it's really hard not to go out and do something really stupid because I'm so upset. I really need to work on my paladin/berserker/mama-bear temper, right now I'm having to keep it all bottled up and it's not good. But I really don't want to get in trouble--there's nothing I personally can do within the law, and I'd rather not get myself killed by state troopers or something thankyouverymuch. No matter how much I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt her. One hopes I never see him ever, ever again--for his sake.
Right now I'm just barely holding on, hopefully it will get easier over time. She's going to be getting some counseling, and she's told me she does have one male friend she feels completely comfortable with. He's gay, so she feels safe around him, and hopefully he'll be able to help her start to be around guys again. There are so many wonderful male-creatures out there, I HATE that monster for ruining so much for her.
I'm going to be praying for her, and for me (to be able to calm down and stop obsessing over it). I've decided that when she decides she's ready to just let it drop, so will I.
But right now I just want to tear his throat out.
So freakin' angry.
Moderators: Mystic Dragon, Xalia, Shard
Wow. What a sick bastard.
Honestly? I would suggest telling someone. Going to the cops, or a social worker, or ... something. She may hate you for it but it's better than sitting back and letting it happen, you know? I knew a girl who was abused -- not by family, but in a relationship. She was ... pretty messed up. I think it's really important to get out of that kind of situation As Quickly As Possible.
Also, I kind of have to wonder about the girl's mother. Who marries such a creepazoid, and then refuses to take action when he beats up on her OWN FARKING DAUGHTER? I wonder if she even realizes what's going on. Probably defending some illusion of being in love with the guy ...
Sorry. I guess I'm pretty opinionated about this kind of thing.
/offers hugs and cookies
Honestly? I would suggest telling someone. Going to the cops, or a social worker, or ... something. She may hate you for it but it's better than sitting back and letting it happen, you know? I knew a girl who was abused -- not by family, but in a relationship. She was ... pretty messed up. I think it's really important to get out of that kind of situation As Quickly As Possible.
Also, I kind of have to wonder about the girl's mother. Who marries such a creepazoid, and then refuses to take action when he beats up on her OWN FARKING DAUGHTER? I wonder if she even realizes what's going on. Probably defending some illusion of being in love with the guy ...
Sorry. I guess I'm pretty opinionated about this kind of thing.
/offers hugs and cookies
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Samber
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Astra - I don't know if they've gone to the cops, but she mentioned talking to a social worker so I think they probably have. And I think the mom and stepdad are now definitely separated. Things have happened pretty fast, I think just since Sunday or so because she was looking very strained then and left early, but didn't say anything to me then, and her stepdad wasn't at church with her. I only get to see her once or twice a week, Sundays and Wednesdays at church--she goes to a different school--(G.E.T. High, and I go to Ona High, it's a longstanding joke between us). So it's over now, but I think they've still got a lot of legaltype stuffs to get through.
I don't think her mom knew about it until very recently, but I'm not sure. Certainly she's upset, I heard that she and one of my mom's friends who has been through a messy divorce (husband was looking at porn at work, blamed it on his son, and oh yeah he's remarried now >.<) got together to complain about men...
I just wish she'd told someone sooner. I can't believe how long it's been going on... =/
I don't think her mom knew about it until very recently, but I'm not sure. Certainly she's upset, I heard that she and one of my mom's friends who has been through a messy divorce (husband was looking at porn at work, blamed it on his son, and oh yeah he's remarried now >.<) got together to complain about men...
I just wish she'd told someone sooner. I can't believe how long it's been going on... =/
Sit down if you can with her mother (if that's possible) or the school people, and talk about what to do with this situation.
My brother molested me for 15 years, when I was just a child, and last year (about a year ago in fact) shot himself to avoid investigation into his abuse of his step-granddaughter.
Take this to the police if she's willing to prosecute. HE IS A PEDOPHILE. That is the problem here: it's at the very very least, statutory rape or child abuse, which are both offenses that guys go to prison for. IF anyone in the family is willing to do it.
That's a problem in many cases. But something I know from personal experience is that pedophiles and abusers *do not get better*. They do not know what 'normal' is. They cannot be 'returned' to normalcy and normal behavior *because their behavior is not now and never can be normal*.
Any kind of abuse toward a young girl will most certainly make her fucked up for life. Look at me. My main personas are all extremely sexually screwed up *men*. I know where that comes from. I'm not afraid of men, I love men. I want to *be* a man to show people *how it's done right*. I wrote my entire novel Body Dancing about myself, and didn't even realize it until 5 years later... so... yeah. It will be with her the rest of her life.
But she is not now, nor ever had been, at fault. The thing that must happen here, is that he must be taken away from that family, and all children. He is a threat to them, if this was going on for 3 years? He's going to do it again wherever he gets the chance.
SOMEONE needs to do something about him. I'm doubtful that her mother would do what needs to be done *unless she finally understands how important it is to know she wasn't married to a normal man*. She was married to a pedophile/abuser. I hope that her whole psyche isn't geared up to do that because SHE was abused too - her generation didn't grow up with the idea that you're supposed to tell anyone about this. Kids today get the benefit of having a real network of people you're meant to trust with this information, and trust to DO something about it. 'In my day' (gah) there was no such network. But these things tend to run in families, and accepted behavior gets pushed to its limits in families where it's happened in prior generations.
PLEASE keep on this.
PLEASE tell her she's not the only one. If she needs to talk, give her my email address. Try and impress on her and her family otherwise, that this is not how it's meant to be, and not how a girl should be growing up. I know. I was a cutter, and yes it is possible to die from asprin overdose - and unfortunately it's one of the single most painful and ugly things one could do. (.... you don't even want to hear about it.)
And I'm right there with you on tearing the fucker's throat out. I don't care what exactly happened - if it's been going on for a while, any number of things could and probably did happen, and I know them from experience. He needs to be put out of that family's life - and everyone else's, before he does anything more.
My brother molested me for 15 years, when I was just a child, and last year (about a year ago in fact) shot himself to avoid investigation into his abuse of his step-granddaughter.
Take this to the police if she's willing to prosecute. HE IS A PEDOPHILE. That is the problem here: it's at the very very least, statutory rape or child abuse, which are both offenses that guys go to prison for. IF anyone in the family is willing to do it.
That's a problem in many cases. But something I know from personal experience is that pedophiles and abusers *do not get better*. They do not know what 'normal' is. They cannot be 'returned' to normalcy and normal behavior *because their behavior is not now and never can be normal*.
Any kind of abuse toward a young girl will most certainly make her fucked up for life. Look at me. My main personas are all extremely sexually screwed up *men*. I know where that comes from. I'm not afraid of men, I love men. I want to *be* a man to show people *how it's done right*. I wrote my entire novel Body Dancing about myself, and didn't even realize it until 5 years later... so... yeah. It will be with her the rest of her life.
But she is not now, nor ever had been, at fault. The thing that must happen here, is that he must be taken away from that family, and all children. He is a threat to them, if this was going on for 3 years? He's going to do it again wherever he gets the chance.
SOMEONE needs to do something about him. I'm doubtful that her mother would do what needs to be done *unless she finally understands how important it is to know she wasn't married to a normal man*. She was married to a pedophile/abuser. I hope that her whole psyche isn't geared up to do that because SHE was abused too - her generation didn't grow up with the idea that you're supposed to tell anyone about this. Kids today get the benefit of having a real network of people you're meant to trust with this information, and trust to DO something about it. 'In my day' (gah) there was no such network. But these things tend to run in families, and accepted behavior gets pushed to its limits in families where it's happened in prior generations.
PLEASE keep on this.
PLEASE tell her she's not the only one. If she needs to talk, give her my email address. Try and impress on her and her family otherwise, that this is not how it's meant to be, and not how a girl should be growing up. I know. I was a cutter, and yes it is possible to die from asprin overdose - and unfortunately it's one of the single most painful and ugly things one could do. (.... you don't even want to hear about it.)
And I'm right there with you on tearing the fucker's throat out. I don't care what exactly happened - if it's been going on for a while, any number of things could and probably did happen, and I know them from experience. He needs to be put out of that family's life - and everyone else's, before he does anything more.
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Samber
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If she hasn't already gone to the police, I will be doing everything I can to convince her to. I can't stand the idea of -anyone- like that out there, able to do the same thing to other kids. And unfortunately it seems that some people apparently don't check backgrounds before rushing into a relationship... definitely better to have him locked up somewhere. (key thrown away, too.)
She doesn't have internet access at the moment, but she says they're definitely getting it sometime soon so I can give her your email when she does. on a certain level I think she knows she's not the only one, but since most of that knowledge comes from the histories of characters in the novles she reads....I think it would really help her to talk to you. =)
and I need to find some way of really showing her what she already knows, that not all guys are like that. She told me one of the reason she reads her books was that she was hoping someone would come to rescue her......dunno how to work with that.
She doesn't have internet access at the moment, but she says they're definitely getting it sometime soon so I can give her your email when she does. on a certain level I think she knows she's not the only one, but since most of that knowledge comes from the histories of characters in the novles she reads....I think it would really help her to talk to you. =)
and I need to find some way of really showing her what she already knows, that not all guys are like that. She told me one of the reason she reads her books was that she was hoping someone would come to rescue her......dunno how to work with that.
Oh good 
I think one thing to really pass along is that while this will have changed her forever - it does NOT have to hurt forever. It won't, in fact.
For me, I get no closure. My brother worked at an elementary school for 25 years. But every adult always loved him, oh he's the nicest guy yadda yadda. it galls me to hear that crap about him. No one will ever know if he ever molested anyone else. But frankly why else would he have *chosen* to work at a place where his target audience was easily seen.
I've really intended to write something up about this, since last year, but never really kept enough steam up to do so. I know with the anniversary of my brother's suicide coming up soon (this month? I can't even remember, i really don't give half a rats ass) his wife will be a wreck and call up to get reassurance. You know .... I told her, "yes, of course he molested her, he did it to me" and she said, "oh I didn't want to hear that." And has never mentioned it again. Her daughter's stepchild is now the one who will bear this crappy burden for the rest of her life - unbeleved and blamed for his death. this is the most despicable thing I can imagine, but they won't really get together with her and talk about it, even at my request.
So the most important thing is, it's not your friend's fault. It is the attacker's fault. She did not 'ask' for it, or 'beg' or 'leave herself open to it'. A pedophile will hurt whoever he feels like it, to make himself feel like he's in control over his life. I would bet that he had some event take control away from him in his past - but that doesn't give anyone the right to do it to someone else.
Give her a hug from me
I think one thing to really pass along is that while this will have changed her forever - it does NOT have to hurt forever. It won't, in fact.
For me, I get no closure. My brother worked at an elementary school for 25 years. But every adult always loved him, oh he's the nicest guy yadda yadda. it galls me to hear that crap about him. No one will ever know if he ever molested anyone else. But frankly why else would he have *chosen* to work at a place where his target audience was easily seen.
I've really intended to write something up about this, since last year, but never really kept enough steam up to do so. I know with the anniversary of my brother's suicide coming up soon (this month? I can't even remember, i really don't give half a rats ass) his wife will be a wreck and call up to get reassurance. You know .... I told her, "yes, of course he molested her, he did it to me" and she said, "oh I didn't want to hear that." And has never mentioned it again. Her daughter's stepchild is now the one who will bear this crappy burden for the rest of her life - unbeleved and blamed for his death. this is the most despicable thing I can imagine, but they won't really get together with her and talk about it, even at my request.
So the most important thing is, it's not your friend's fault. It is the attacker's fault. She did not 'ask' for it, or 'beg' or 'leave herself open to it'. A pedophile will hurt whoever he feels like it, to make himself feel like he's in control over his life. I would bet that he had some event take control away from him in his past - but that doesn't give anyone the right to do it to someone else.
Give her a hug from me
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I'm not trying to be mean at all so don't take it that way. But I really hate hearing this about people. It is nearly impossible to overdose on over the counter pain pills. Your body will expell them from itself before death can occur. The only thing that will happen is you will permanently fuck over your kidneys, liver, and stomach lining. In order to die from the pills alone, you would have to be on a constant overdose - taking handfuls of pills every 20 minutes for days. The only other way to do it is to take anti-nausea pills before taking the pain medication, which prevents your body from throwing up.
I've delt with a lot of self-harmers in my short time and made lots of visits to the ICU and to psychiatric wards to see friends and family alike. I'm sorry this post isn't helpful at all. It just really does irk me when people try to overdoes like that. If they really and truly want to die, they'd swallow a gallon of bleach and any other household cleaners they could find.
And Shard, I know what you mean about it being ugly. You don't die from the pills themselves, but from the effects of them on your organs. I've had to call ambulances from schools because of seeing friends with evidence of overdosing, when I knew their background. It's very visually noticable when someone is overdosing on pain meds. The biggest sign is yellowing skin, just in case anyone is curious... but by the time it gets to that point, you're dealing with a very short time limit.
In middle school, I had a friend whose father had died and for a few weeks after she came back to school she was really quiet and withdrawn... she also seemed to be making amends with people and pushing close people away. One morning when she arrived at school, she was shaky and sweaty and jittery, and she seemed really out of it. A few minutes after the bell rang, her skin was starting to pale and look yellow. On a hunch, I took her to the front office [she was delusional by then] and called an ambulance. When I went to see her at the hospital later that day, the doctor told me that if she'd been 10 minutes later getting there, her kidneys would have been permanently damaged and internal bleeding would have occured.
Typically, "ODing" on pain medication is a cry for help. Not a serious attempt at taking a life. After that, my friend went to therapy, and I spent more time at her house, helping her go through her dad's things and just listening to stories she told about her dad when he was alive. It seemed to really help, and with the support of her friends and the therapy, she was almost back to normal in a few months, if back to normal is what you call it.
Today, she's in concert band, making straight As, and already getting accepted into colleges. She hasn't hurt herself since, and she's learned to talk about her feelings instead of bottling them up.
<3 Support your friend. Don't push, and don't baby. The last thing someone wants is pity. What they want is an understanding shoulder and a guiding light.
Sorry if I repeated what anyone else said :] I didn't have time to read through everything, I just wanted to get that out ^^^ before I had to dash off again.
I've delt with a lot of self-harmers in my short time and made lots of visits to the ICU and to psychiatric wards to see friends and family alike. I'm sorry this post isn't helpful at all. It just really does irk me when people try to overdoes like that. If they really and truly want to die, they'd swallow a gallon of bleach and any other household cleaners they could find.
And Shard, I know what you mean about it being ugly. You don't die from the pills themselves, but from the effects of them on your organs. I've had to call ambulances from schools because of seeing friends with evidence of overdosing, when I knew their background. It's very visually noticable when someone is overdosing on pain meds. The biggest sign is yellowing skin, just in case anyone is curious... but by the time it gets to that point, you're dealing with a very short time limit.
In middle school, I had a friend whose father had died and for a few weeks after she came back to school she was really quiet and withdrawn... she also seemed to be making amends with people and pushing close people away. One morning when she arrived at school, she was shaky and sweaty and jittery, and she seemed really out of it. A few minutes after the bell rang, her skin was starting to pale and look yellow. On a hunch, I took her to the front office [she was delusional by then] and called an ambulance. When I went to see her at the hospital later that day, the doctor told me that if she'd been 10 minutes later getting there, her kidneys would have been permanently damaged and internal bleeding would have occured.
Typically, "ODing" on pain medication is a cry for help. Not a serious attempt at taking a life. After that, my friend went to therapy, and I spent more time at her house, helping her go through her dad's things and just listening to stories she told about her dad when he was alive. It seemed to really help, and with the support of her friends and the therapy, she was almost back to normal in a few months, if back to normal is what you call it.
Today, she's in concert band, making straight As, and already getting accepted into colleges. She hasn't hurt herself since, and she's learned to talk about her feelings instead of bottling them up.
<3 Support your friend. Don't push, and don't baby. The last thing someone wants is pity. What they want is an understanding shoulder and a guiding light.
Sorry if I repeated what anyone else said :] I didn't have time to read through everything, I just wanted to get that out ^^^ before I had to dash off again.
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Samber
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Somewhat of an update....
I gave the "care package" to her on Sunday, besides the books and music I got her a chocolate bar and a pack of Bella Sara cards.....I used it as kind of an excuse to talk to her, she said that yes, the did go to the police. Her stepfather admitted to everything (which will make it much easier on her, I am sure) and is now sitting in jail.
She's planning to smash the mirror he gave her, and she and her little brother (his kid, actually, which must make it hard for him) are going to toss his very large model ship off the roof of the trailer... o.o
She seems almost okay, but I dunno. She's happier than she's been in a while, though, or at least I think she is.......
I gave the "care package" to her on Sunday, besides the books and music I got her a chocolate bar and a pack of Bella Sara cards.....I used it as kind of an excuse to talk to her, she said that yes, the did go to the police. Her stepfather admitted to everything (which will make it much easier on her, I am sure) and is now sitting in jail.
She's planning to smash the mirror he gave her, and she and her little brother (his kid, actually, which must make it hard for him) are going to toss his very large model ship off the roof of the trailer... o.o
She seems almost okay, but I dunno. She's happier than she's been in a while, though, or at least I think she is.......
Oh good, that's actually very, very important. If he admitted it, they'll easily be able to keep him in a program away from them. Whew.
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Samber
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So she's been subpoena-ed (sp?). Yay. Not.
She's kind of angry about it, especially since she already went to the trouble of having her testimony videotaped -specifically so she WOULD NOT have to appear in court-.
I didn't really get a chance to talk to her for very long at all, but if she's at church on wednesday I'm going to ask if she wants me to be there. She probably won't, but I have to ask...
and that guy she kindasorta likes? He made her a cheesecake on Sunday.
She's kind of angry about it, especially since she already went to the trouble of having her testimony videotaped -specifically so she WOULD NOT have to appear in court-.
I didn't really get a chance to talk to her for very long at all, but if she's at church on wednesday I'm going to ask if she wants me to be there. She probably won't, but I have to ask...
and that guy she kindasorta likes? He made her a cheesecake on Sunday.