So my brother....

Shard · Post by **Shard** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:00 pm

My brother, who I may or may not have talked about in here... Has committed suicide today. I'm not at all sure why he wasn't able to even say something to me, or our mother, but he left a simple note to his wife, and shot himself. He didn't own a gun, he went and BOUGHT ONE yesterday, went to work (a school) and used it on himself. I don't know any other details but I'm more weirded out than distressed. I'm sad to say that I can't really react with a burst of tears or wailing (my mother did, of course) but I have to wonder how long he was thinking about doing this. He didn't let on at all to his wife (they had been together for almost 20 years and just got married about 3 months ago - and "couldn't tell her family" because they would 'freak out')... So I don't really have the impression that this was a long-in-coming event.

We can move this into debates and discussions, because I really do have some venting to do (about suicide, guns, and emotional stability) but really right now I just wanna say, my brother is gone, and I'm kind of numb about it.

I have many reasons to only be numb, and not distraught. I may sound callous, it might come to me later to be weepy. But right now I'm not sure how to quite say how much I'm ... of two minds. :/ I'd like to react, but I'm also rather angry with him. I'd like to remember only the good stuff, but he fucking molested me when I was a child. I have too many good AND bad points to go over. Things that my mother has never known about him, that *I* have to be the one to bear forever. I've told that fact to a few people, only a few. It's moot now, I suppose, but I still will probably always resent him.

Well. That's ... what I have to say tonight. I might not finish a lot of things over the next few days due to arrangements (he left no instructions, so his wife is taking care of some of it) and presumably funeral things.

Rachael · Post by **Rachael** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:44 pm

*hugs* That's the funny thing with emotions. There are so many things working on you at once, and together, and even sideways, you can't have a simply "proper" response. Or at least the response some part of you thinks should be had.

If you want a listening ear to venting, I am here. Hell, if you want to talk, as in voice to voice, I can give you my cell number. I'm not a stunning conversationalist, but I am human. =3

Shard · Post by **Shard** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:54 pm

Well, since I'm still at home and my mom is awake, I'm probably not going to opt to have any verbal conversations. But I will probably start venting tomorrow... :/

JKatkina · Post by **JKatkina** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 11:11 pm

Oh, god. Vent all you need to; get out whatever you need to get out. Just... god, Shard, I don't know what to say, about any of it.

*hugs*

Cacopheny · Post by **Cacopheny** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 11:17 pm

I'm with Kat; I don't quite know what to say. "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to fit, ya know? It sounds like such a shock....

We'll all be here to listen to/read your venting, and we're all with you, at any rate.

Mystic Dragon · Post by **Mystic Dragon** » Mon Mar 06, 2006 11:57 pm

It's good that you can vent, and you know we're willing to listen. When my grandfather died, I felt pretty much the same. He did some very bad things in his life, and I was never close to him. Even though he helped raise me through most of my childhood.

I still haven't cried over the fact that he's gone. Only time I did was when I saw what it was doing to my family.

Any time you need to vent about anything, go right ahead.

Indigo · Post by **Indigo** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 2:26 am

*snugs* I don't know what to say, just that I'm here to lend a listening ear.

... at least you know, a few times now close relatives of mine have died and I wasn't told for quite awhile, in one case I wasn't told at all - had to find out by reading a letter left out on the kitchen table. *fumes silently* ... sorry about that. *snugs again*

LakotaWolf · Post by **LakotaWolf** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 3:11 am

::hugs:: Sorry you have to go through this, Shard. As everyone has said, we're all ears here for you. Some of us can commiserate, some of us have gone through similar things, some of us can understand, but we ALL are here to listen to you and support you :D

I do have to say though, it was pretty thoughtless of him to kill himself right AFTER getting married. :/ But then again, it sounds like this was more of a spur-of-the-moment thing for him.

Shard · Post by **Shard** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 3:28 am

Yeah that's the thing. I have to wonder how much of the craziness that my mother displays of being 'mask on the outside' 'someone else on the inside' was to blame in this. He may very well have been fantastically depressed or suicidal for quite some time, but if he was anything like our mother, he hid it *completely*. My mother's mask slips because she's old and has aldzheimers. She's now on this "we're the only ones left, we have to be closer"... erm,.... not to be picky but, NOW THAT THE GOOD CHILD has killed his own ass, the REPLACEMENT child is okay to get near?

Th'fuck?

I mean, yeah. Stupendously selfish. I really wonder what else was going on. They just realized they had to pay taxes for the first time - thanks to the government punishing people who get married... Maybe it was too much. He was miserable in Reno, it snowed and was too hot in the summer, he was basically in the same boat as he'd been here in San Diego, only less interested in being around the people near him. He complained to me saturday, the last time I've heard his voice, that everyone there were a bunch of idiot hicks. No indication of how he was feeling aside from that, just annoyed.

But still, there he is, I guess. His wife (then S.O.) allowed her daughter to basically drag them to Reno because of her fucking husband's gambling debts. This is the girl who stole her mother's credit card and ran up EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in debt on it to cover the idiot. My brother couldn't put his foot down and TELL her not to expect them to pay it off - again, maybe that was part of it. But for christs sake, he never grew a backbone until it came time to buy a gun and blow his brains out?

I don't know that it adds up. Chris, the stepdaughter, claimed there was nothing amiss, it was plain and simple. But still *weird* because it's utterly out of character for him to have done this.

But a hell of a way to dodge the responsibility that he'd promised me he would do: to take care of our mother in her old age. Yeah, I didn't fully expect him to do so, but still it feels like 'let's stick it to sara one last time' ...

in one case I wasn't told at all - had to find out by reading a letter left out on the kitchen table.

okay now THAT's messed up. :/

TyGryph · Post by **TyGryph** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 10:45 am

Well damn. I'm sorry to hear about this Shard. I'm not the best at consolations and stuff right now (too many deaths lately) but I'm here for ya. And I'm with Rachael -- if you want my cell number, just say so. ('course, I'm not even in the same state as y'all...)

Wanderer · Post by **Wanderer** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 11:23 am

We don't really know each other, but I still wish to offer my condolances. I would say its never easy to loose a family member, but I know from personal experience that would be a lie. However I don't know what happened between you, suspect I never will. So all I can do is pray to whatevers out there, that you manage to find your way. Unlikely as you are to take it, I'm willing to listen non the less.

Astra · Post by **Astra** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 11:29 am

Wow ... that sounds like it came completely out of nowhere and must have been quite a shocker

Like others, I'm terrible with condolences, but my thoughts really are with you.

Shard · Post by **Shard** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:29 pm

Well like I said, it's more weird and unexpected, out of character, than anything else. I mean, we knew he was unhappy but *not* like this unhappy. I feel as though it's his escape, I understand that, I write about characters who've done it. But by the same token I write those same characters - who are, in no uncertain terms, fucked up - because of the things I experienced at his hands. I don't think he was doing anything to me to be cruel or weird, but that he never really seemed to understand the taboo of 'please don't fuck your sister', right? :/

I don't suppose I'll ever know what was going on in his mind, but I do know that our mother had a strong history of being *weird*. Manipulative, but completely unconsciously so. I know I inherited a bit of her 'packrat' nature, compulsive collecting (of dragons lol) and that kind of thing. But I've seen parts of her mind that are now laid bare with her mind slipping, that I have to wonder, were they part of him? Did he hide *that* much from everyone and everything? Was this some kind of weird impulse?

He had been helpful finally, about getting the mobile home where mom and i live, paid off. But he was also quite insistant about things like "you'll get whatever I have when I'm gone" and shit. He was only 51 years old, mind you, and to my knowledge not sick. He did smoke all his life, perhaps he had found out something from a doctor, perhaps there was something else that just was never said. I don't know... Weird.

I also just don't know how I'm going to deal with Diane and her daughter. I'm not sure whether her daughter will be coming along to bring ashes to us or what, but... I've kind of wanted to smack her silly for years, for having been such a possessive, pushy bitch...

Silver Midnight · Post by **Silver Midnight** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:45 pm

Wow...there's just...nothing really I can say about all this...

I guess...well, I'm behind you Shard.

hksherra · Post by **hksherra** » Tue Mar 07, 2006 2:47 pm

Wow... well... my mind was all over the place today and all of a sudden I realize that all that crap I had been worrying about isn't that important.

I guess that I don't really know what to say... or where to start saying things... or what would help, but I'll also extend the offer of my cell number... it isn't like I haven't been hanging out with you through this dragoning thing for 5+ years...

And... yeah... I have no words for what I'm trying to say so... I hope things work out for you, in whatever way they can.